"And Miles to Go Before I Sleep"

Between reading Eat, Pray, Love in my "spare time" (term used very loosely), watching Simon Birch with my students, and breathing deeply and contemplatively during an hour and half yoga session last night, my emotions are raw and on the very brink at the moment.  It brings to mind the quiet and the solitude of the lines from that beautifully and achingly lonely (my interpretation here) Robert Frost poem "Stopping by the Woods on a Snowy Evening."  Yes, I know spring is knocking on the door of Mother Nature right now asking to be invited in to spend some warm afternoons laughing and singing its bird song and wind tunes in the leaves, but my heart longs to feel more like those quiet, dark woods on that wintry evening so long ago.  The woods in the poem are tempting, and if you have ever stood in the stillness of a snow covered, winter evening surrounded by unadulterated nature, you know the immensity and the peace that can be found in that one, quiet, still moment.  I want to be able to enjoy quiet and stillness again, but last night, I sat alone in my car in the parking lot of the fitness center where I take yoga, and I could not hold back the tears anymore that were trying to push themselves free during final relaxation.  I drove home, only to find a dark, empty house, put my car in reverse, and headed over to my brother's.  As he opened the door, I was wrapped in his strong hug only a brother can provide and felt the freedom to just weep.

I will admit this week has been a tough one.  Phone calls, texts, and invitations from various sources have forced me to realize that instead of grieving and dealing with these events and emotions, I have been stuffing them down for them to erupt almost vomit like to the surface whenever there is trigger, and there were multitudinous triggers this week.  The time has come to begin processing, grieving, and truly dealing!  This scares the CRAP out of me!!!  I'm not sure what I am going to find, but I have to cross this bridge in order to find the peace on the other side.  I need to be able to be alone again and not feel anxious.  I need for my thoughts to quiet themselves, or I need to quiet them.  This is ugly, and it is challenging; however, I believe it is beyond necessary.  Family is helping, friends are helping, yoga is helping, but I think the time has come that it just needs to be me.  I have questions, and I may or may not find the answers.  If I don't ask and I don't talk, I'm not going to get past this, EVER!